HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.