Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are