While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”