Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on