Me when my alarm goes off
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now