My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?