I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Can’t stop laughing
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.