I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.