Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.