There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs