Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*seductively eats two tums*
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.