me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.