Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
mathematically impossible
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going