Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I need better friends
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]