Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.