I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.