5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
man: wait
time: no
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”