there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
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I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!