First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.