[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.