wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.