I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
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I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”