Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”