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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.