Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”