Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
You Might Also Like
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??