Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.