Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.