[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
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*puts words between two asterisks*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.