Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
You Might Also Like
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[montage of me giving-up]
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.