Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
not for long
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”