People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.