“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.