Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
smartest karate player in the world
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.