ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
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Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Well, that should do it