Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.