You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Who says great literature is dead?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I beg your pardon?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.