Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….