I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that