hmmm
You Might Also Like
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Two types of dogs.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
me, after any kind of buffet.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”