14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior