My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
You Might Also Like
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Hamburger Hinderer.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]