MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
You Might Also Like
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.