My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout