Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.