she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
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