If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.