her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed