Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
me refusing to leave twitter
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
それは草
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience