*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
You Might Also Like
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies